”What if I lose my job?” ”What if he walks away from me?” ”What if he gets into an accident?” ”What if I have cancer?” ”What if I end up alone?” ”What if we must face a war?” ”What if I lose a loved one?”
Sometimes “what if” questions are the best way to identify worrying thoughts. Although they don’t always come in what if form. Sometimes they can be very subtle, why it’s essential to become aware of them so we don’t let them become more than thoughts.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I would say I work 99% with people who suffer due to worrying or ruminating which results in anxiety and/or other symptoms.
Early in life we are encouraged to think, thinking is good. The problem is that over the years, often as adults, not only do we think, but we overthink. Overthinking a lot of times, is what gives rise to mental health problems.
So, in this article, I aim to clarify both what worrying is and some of the misconceptions around it.
Worrying is a chain of thoughts or/and images with negative content focused on past or future events.
Often people wonder, “What is worry and anxiety?” and I explain that worry is the cognitive process in our minds and anxiety is the emotional process in our bodies. Anxiety is a normal consequence of worrying. Imagine putting our hand or even just our finger on a hot stove, we will get burned (if we don’t pull away our hand of course). It´s not something that would surprise us, and it would only be normal exactly the same goes for worry and anxiety.
If one engages in thoughts such as “What if my loved one dies” or “What if I get sacked tomorrow” then its not strange to feel anxiety. Feeling anxiety mainly comes from engaging in a thought, not by having the thought. For example, imagining that the “what if´s are happening or will happen in the future is like a scary movie playing on repeat in your head.
There are misconceptions regarding worrying and some of them are due to metacognitions. I will in this article go through just a few of them.
Positive metacognitions for worry
Worrying keeps me prepared
This is actually one of the main reason I chose to write about this topic. A colleague of mine recently told me he read in the newspaper about an “expert” saying that worrying prepares us and helps us deal with future dangers or challenges in life and that it’s a good thing. We both reacted negatively to this statement.
We all know it’s a fact that we will die one day, so in what way does worrying about it prepare us to deal with it? Except by taking away the joy we could have felt in the present moment with our loved ones. It will hurt just as deeply as the loss of a loved one does. Do we have to worry about being robbed when we leave our house in order to remember to lock our door? We need to think about it once or twice, but do we need to continuously worry about or engage in the thought to be able to lock the door?
Worrying helps me solve problems
The fact is when we worry, we feel anxious. So, the question is, how are we most equipped for problem-solving when we feel anxious? Or does worrying actually keep us away from being rational and deal with the challenges of life? It´s extremely important to differentiate between problem-solving and worrying. Problem-solving involves reflection and action whereas worrying involves repeating the worst case scenario in our heads only adding to our problems.
Worry helps me anticipate danger
Is this scientifically proven? Does worrying really help us see danger or does it take away the joy, ease and peace we could be experiencing in the present moment? Isn’t it endless things that could go wrong in the future and are we able to prevent it really if we constantly imagine the worst-case scenarios? The fact is we need to deal with uncertainty because there is not much in life, we can know with 100% accuracy. If I worry about getting hit by a car on my way to work, I can’t really know with 100% certainty that it won’t happen so what would happen if I decided to stay home instead, I don’t think I need to answer this one.
Worrying shows I’m an empathic person that cares
Have you ever heard someone say “But I love her so much, she is my everything, so of course I worry.” Caring is different from worrying. When you care about someone or something, you usually feel love and warm feelings inside. But worrying doesn’t give rise to warm feelings, does it? Instead, it give rise to fear and mostly a heavy feeling inside. Isn’t it our actions that show our level of caring? Worrying is to time and time again engage in those negative images/thoughts about something or someone. Being an empathic person is to be in touch with your emotions and feelings and being able to understand and share the feelings of another and doesn’t really have anything to do with worrying.
Negative metacognitions for worry
Worrying is uncontrollable
This one is common. When asked why people engage in a chain of thoughts with negative content, in other words worrying, the answer is often, “Because I can´t stop.” “Its uncontrollable.” The fact is that we don’t always engage in worrying. Many times, we prioritize other things, so this shows that we do have control over our worrying. We cannot erase our daily thoughts but where we put our focus is something that we do have control over. I know it sounds easier said than done but this is one of the key components I work with when using metacognitive therapy.
Worrying can make me go crazy or harm me
If we would do a survey on how many people who have worried a lot in their lives, we would probably hear that most people have engaged in worrying (sometimes even their whole lives). But, if we would ask the same people how many have gone crazy and been hospitalized from worrying not many would say that they have. The fact is that worrying can not make you go crazy. Ultimately, your life quality will decrease and could feel unsatisfactory, but worrying cannot really harm us physically or make us go crazy.
Finally, I want to highlight two common beliefs people that struggle with worrying often have.
“I just have to stop thinking”
Let’s face it, that’s not a realistic goal. As human beings we have approximately 60,000 thoughts on an average day; to stop thinking as an aim will be an impossible goal. Instead, what we can have as a goal, is to learn to put less attention on the thoughts that aren’t helpful or have any function other than to give rise to anxiety.
“I just have to think more positively, that’s my problem”
I’m probably not the only one seeing a different type of “be positive” quotes all over social media and, let’s face it, when we are having a challenging day, forcing ourselves to be positive really doesn’t put us in that state. When we worry and feel anxious, telling ourselves not to think about it or that we should think more positively is like saying to ourselves “Don’t think about a red apple.” Guess what we end up thinking then?
Ultimately, the problem is not that we aren’t thinking positive thoughts, the problem is that we are focusing on our negative ones. The more we focus on the negative ones, the more power we give them, which makes them more than thoughts and they may feel like actual threats. Engaging less with our negative thoughts will automatically stop them from festering and increasing anxiety. As a natural consequence, we will focus on all the beauty around us and gratitude comes more effortlessly.
These are just some misconceptions we sometimes have as human beings and this article is written through scientific knowledge and evidence based treatment in regards to worrying.
